WHERE DID MY CHILDREN GO? AND

WHO ARE THESE MONSTERS THAT REPLACED

THEM?

Have you ever asked these questions during the course of a day? Not to worry. Those cute and charming children of yours are gone. But what you are now dealing with will be o.k.. One of the issues that I continue to run across in my 20+ years of working with children, adolescents and their families is directly related with the topic of this column, that is that many times parents are not ready to let go of their children and let them enter into what this society calls adolescence. We all have seen on some program a show about so-called ancient or primitive cultures that have this thing called a “rites of passage”, where the then “child” goes through some form of rigorous activity, then the tribal elder announces to the tribe “ the child is dead—the man is now alive”. Very neat huh? Of course the rigorous activity is mostly for the males of the tribe. As for the female “child”, the onset of her first menstrual cycle is typically the highlighted time of this rites of passage. Note: I have not heard of many cultures that make the female go through a form of rigorous activities because these cultures already realize that childbirth is much more rigorous that what any man has gone through. But see how neat and clean this is? One day you’re a kid the next day you’re an adult. Simple huh? Probably not. However this article is not an anthropological treatise. Now back to our culture. I have asked families, colleagues and kids the question when does a child become an adolescent? And when does and adolescent become an adult? Boy I have heard some interesting answers. Since our society does not have a clear rites of passage the answers to these questions are very muddled. Let me ask you this—if you find this question confusing, just think what your offspring are feeling. Empathy never hurts a situation. Here is the problem in a nut shell- some times your kid is going to want to be treated as an adult—and your going to want to treat him/her like a child—sometimes you are going to want to treat your kid like a child-and your kid is going to want to be treated like an adult. Very confusing. Again think what this must be like for your kid. (Note: I use the term “kid” because I don’t want to use child, teen, adolescent, young adult, etc. because-well this is what we are talking about). This different level of expectations of behavior is the root to many conflicts. Just remember this to even confuse you more: your kid does not always know when he/she gets up whether they want to be a child or an adult that day.

I get parents every month or so tell me “my teenager never talks to me”. My comeback to this is simple: One of the biggest jobs parents have when dealing with teenagers is to continue to provide some sense of support. Never quit asking questions of your kids, even if they only grunt or howl back at you. You need to understand that while they may not be responding (or responding appropriately) back to you, they may actually be listening to you.