Initial Phase

The decision to end a marriage in divorce is a difficult one that affects the whole family. It is important not to make a hasty decision. Seek the counsel of friends or a professional, either alone or as a couple, to help clarify the uncertainty and confusion. Both partners may not feel the same way about the situation and may even be in denial. Feelings that may be experienced at this time:

- guilt and shame because they feel they have failed
- grief over losing someone who has been such a major part of their life
- worry about what will happen with children and finances

Adjusting

Separation and divorce represent losses and grieving is the natural process by which we cope with these losses, much like a death. Natural feelings during this time include:

- sadness
- anger
- anxiety
- guilt
- betrayal
- embarrassment
- shame

Not everyone grieves the same. For some it is a longer process than for others and people experience the phases of the grieving process in different ways. Be patient with yourself and make healthy choices!

- Face your fears and be willing to take on new challenges, i.e., living alone, taking care of your finances, gaining employment, making new friends

- Ask for help and support from friends, family, counselor, church, or support group

- Be aware of guilt and anger and don't let them control you

- Pay attention to your children

How to help your children

How children deal with the divorce is directly related to how their parents manage this time in their lives. Anger is a natural reaction for everyone, how parents express this and other feelings can make things either better or worse for their children.

- Manage your visits appropriately

- Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault

- Make sure they know that you love them

- Get counseling for them if the initial distress does not dissipate

- Inform your child's teacher

- Do not confide in your child but be honest about what is happening

Resources

If you're interested in more information about couples or individual counseling or our "Couples Compatibility Course," please call Ron Lehto at 577-0266 or at our E-mail address.